Jenn June 25th, 2008
My husband wants to go see a marriage counselor. Frankly, I am annoyed at this point. Ok… just consider the rest of this blog a vent for me. You don’t have to agree with anything I say. You can think I am a complete asshole. I don’t care. I have things going on in my life that I am unhappy about. I cannot make them change. I wish I could. I can only change myself and quite honestly, I do not want to change. I am happy with the way I am right now.
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Matt and I have been having trouble for a while. I have slowly been drifting away. We would talk from time to time and I would make it clear what I needed and things that bothered me and why I am not happy about certain aspects of our marriage. I tried. Seriously, I absolutely tried. I married this person and I was determined to figure this all out. I realize marriage is difficult and each person has to work for it, but if you want to know the truth, I don’t think he worked on it. Well, wait. That isn’t entirely true. He did the things that he thought were helpful and what he was supposed to do. He worked like a slave and brought in loads of money. He has been the financial support of this marriage. I make peanuts compared to him and I am doing pretty well for myself. He traveled. A lot. Still does. That was his contribution and its a great contribution, but guess what, money does not make a marriage last. Money makes things easier in a way, but adds another burden, simply because once you have money you strive to make more and its a constant struggle to ensure you never not have money. Damn, I am exhausted thinking about it and I know he worries about it 24/7. However, all these years that I have been saying the things that I need, never once did I say that I needed more money.
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Here is what I need. I need someone to listen to me. I do not need someone to fix my problems. I am a big girl, I can fix my own problems. I am so fucking capable of taking care of myself that I take shit for being too independent. I don’t need help with issues at work and when I have an argument with a friend or when the dry-cleaner ruins my favorite pair of pants. I can handle those things. I just want someone to listen to me, be it whether I babble on for 20 minutes about the injustice of corporate America or the fact that capri pants were manufactured by the devil. I know it may get tiring listening to this bullshit, but I listen to you talk about the stock market or MMA fighting day in and day out and I don’t say anything. I listen even though I would rather talk about the history of mummification or Jackson Pollock. Whatever, I listen because that is what you do. I listen because I care.
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I need someone to stand up for me. Remember that part how I said I can take care of myself. Its true. I am an independent motherfucker. However, I need someone that is going to stand up to your family when they won’t listen to me (especially in regards to the kids) or when they ask me questions about our plans to move to Alabama. You should have told them we weren’t moving there. Yet, I had to be the one to dodge the bullets and break the bad news. Its no wonder they hate me. Not only am I not good enough for the prodigal son, but I am also of the wrong religion and the spoiled bitch that won’t let you move back home. The fact that I do not fit in with them is much more pronounced with all of this shit hanging over my head. The more I am perceived as a bitch, the more I am going to act like one. Doesn’t make much sense, but its definitely going to happen. Another facet of that support is in regards to things I want to do with my life. When I was going to school you went on and on about how you were going to support me, but every time I mentioned that I had to write a paper or post to forums you bitched about how its been a month since I had been to Alabama with you. That isn’t supporting someone. That was making me feel bad that I was trying to educate myself, something important to me, something that would help further my career. The same applies to my job now. I am FINALLY able to say that I can support myself financially and I am working my ass off to make even more money and to further my career. I have a chance to make a difference in the company right now and I LOVE my job. The downside is that I have to work a lot. I have to be on conference calls at 6 in the evening, I need to answer emails at 9 PM, I need to work at night in order to catch up on all the things I missed in the day because people will not leave me alone at the office. Don’t get all pissy that I am answering emails because suddenly you realized I was over working on the relationship and you have begun to resent my Blackberry. Not my problem any more. It was my problem a year ago when I mentioned I needed help working on our relationship. Now that I have given up, you want to talk?
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That is my problem. I have given up. I gave up because I wasn’t getting anywhere. I gave up because you can only ask for help so much and when you keep getting rejected or placated for a short period of time, well…. after a while you just stop trying. I can pinpoint the exact moment I gave up. Now all of the sudden that I am ready to walk away I have to be dragged into counseling. Ok ok ok…. its the right thing to do. I know this. This is not just about me and my husband. We have kids. The kids lives are stake here. I come from a divorced family, I know what it can do. Of course, my parents did not exactly handle being divorced very well. The sued each other. Did you hear me?! THEY SUED EACH OTHER! They still cannot be in the same room together and its been over 15 years. Well, maybe that will change. My mom went crazy and emailed my father and he actually emailed her back. They were civil. I guess this means hells has frozen over and the world is coming to an end. I am pretty sure it states somewhere in the bible that Armageddon would be ushered in with the reconciliation of my parents. I am just waiting for the locusts and frogs…
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Should I be so bitter? I am bitter. I am angry. I haven’t slept in weeks, maybe months. I don’t want someone to analyze me. I don’t want someone to tell me that if I just choose to be happy in this marriage, in this life, that I can be. I know that! Does that mean that I should? Does it mean that I should give up a life that I know could be better? Does it mean that I should give up my dreams and who I am? Because that is what is going to have to happen. I am going to have to accept this life like it is and I don’t want it. That is a terrible thing to say. I know it is. I hate that I said it, let alone think it. Its wrong. I got married. I promised to love someone forever. I don’t know if I do anymore. Well, love can be many different things. I still love him. I will always love him. He has been such an important part of my life. Eight years of my life. But that love changed. I used to love him as a partner. As a lover, friend, companion, mate. Has that changed? I don’t have the answers…
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Here is the thing. The thing that haunts me. I do not think I was meant to get married. Seriously. I know what you are thinking, that I am just saying this because of the current state of things. No, really. I thought this before I was married. So why did I get married? Oh how complicated that is and there are a number of different answers. First, sweet lord, the pressure. Pressure from his family, from mine, from friends, from society. Pressure pressure pressure. You have to get married if you want to please everyone, if you want to be accepted as a woman, because you have a child together, because you live together (IN SIN!!!), because you have been together for so long, because God says so, because because because…. Do you realize, for a woman, after a certain amount of time in a relationship everyone begins to ask when you are going to get married. I am not kidding. Its exhausting. Heaven forbid might a woman be in a relationship and NOT get married. Sweet Jesus, NO! Society pissed me off in that aspect. Another reason I got married, I really did want what was best for my daughter. It was not the right way to look at the situation, I am aware (now). I wanted her to have a family. There are other reasons but they are kind of fucked up and do not really make sense. You know, if I had been the person that I am today, I would have never done it. I do not mean that in a bad way. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband. He has been a part of the reason I am who I am right now and even he has said that. He told me the other day, that if I had been as confident in who I am all those years ago that I would never have married him and he is right. Not because I didn’t love him, but because I know who I am now. I don’t think I had a clue back then. Retrospect is brutal.
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It makes me wonder if it would be so much easier now if we had never gotten married and I think it would have. Meaning, that I think we would have more of a chance of making it as a couple if we had decided to just be partners and not spouses. I honestly believe this. Getting married is part of what has ruined my marriage. That is a sad sad thought, but so are many other thoughts I have right now.
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I am not writing this to get advice. I am not writing it to place blame because the blame is on both of us. I am sure I have done things that have put us where we are today. I just want someone to listen to me. That is it. I just need someone to listen and there is nobody.